Thomas’ Mantra

Love Shovel Ranch, being a community of Alpha humans, is often the site of half-humorous assaults on Politically Correct sensibilities (& lack-luster performances). During the reformation of the Ranch in 2012, Seth Walker brought the phrase “Eat a bag of baby dicks” to my attention. I was initially struck by the creativeness of such a blue-collar insult, being quite a come-uppance to the “Your mother…” standard quips found on the factory floor.
As things will at the Shovel, the phrase “Eat a bag of baby dicks” became a go-to option that overwrote the standard “Fuck you” interpersonal communication. This activated my own 14y.o. nasty-mouth, so after a few weeks of that my response became “Suck an abortion”, specifically designed to escalate the insult-fest. In all actuality, many nights of drinking went by with these phrases being hurled back & forth like poisoned shuriken.
Such a depressing state of affairs was this constant barrage between peers that you could watch Thomas’ abundant enthusiasm drizzle away as creativity was drowned out by the noise of insults disguised as banter disguised as loneliness disguised (less so) as a substitute for more poetic interactions. And so, one morning on the patio beneath the weight of these insulting phrases-cum-descriptive paragraphs, St. Thomas healed us in the way that only he could, by uttering the most overtly offensive insult ever created: “The trees are beautiful, man.”

The phrase “Eat a bag of baby dicks” is far more ancient than one might believe, the earliest known use probably being between 1505-1270 BCE, when the Olympians came to town along with the patriarchal Mycenian invasion of egalitarian pre-Greece and Late Minoan Crete. At that time King Lycaon ruled over the territory of Arcadia, and it was said that he and his fifty sons were “nefarious” and unconcerned with the ways of the emerging priesthoods, perhaps preferring to work their ancestral Kaos magicks without the bureaucratic interference of these new temple-builders. Certainly it was evident that Lycaon was versed in sorcerous ways.
Eventually Zeus showed up in Arcadia on his rape-tour of the Grecian peninsula, proclaiming his omniscient and godhood, then seduced Lycaon’s daughter Kallisto (“most beautiful”, a vowed virgin) by pretending to be Artemis, and she bore their son Arkas. Lycaon, certain of Zeus’ charm but questioning his godhood, pretended not to be aware of the violation of his daughter and invited Zeus to dinner. Lycaon and his sons, in the manner of sorcerous human sacrifice, killed Arkas and inserted parts of his body into the honorary feast roast. As the roast was served, Lycaon was heard to toast “Eat a bag of baby dicks.” Whether it was this muted curse or actual omniscience, Zeus figured out the situation and cursed Lycaon and his sons to wolf-form, thus beginning the phenomenon of Lycanthropy.

Thus, aside from its appetizing unpalatability, “Eat a bag of bay dicks” may have taken such hold at the Shovel due to its historic magickal nature. Probably a matter of Akashik Record, this phrase of ultimate denial of flaunted authority could very well trigger meta-programs that reside in the Collective Unconscious. A person willing to go so far as to use this phrase may unlock other unknown proscriptive bonds. My own counter of “Suck an abortion” was amateurish and pathetic, counting on copying the shock value only. This disrupted, and thereby corrupted, the “baby dicks” mantra. Now, instead of having a psyche-challenging phrase to work with, we initiated a one-upmanship bitch fest that was simply tedious to be around.
What Thomas brought to the table that morning on the patio when in shear magickal frustration he said, “The trees are beautiful, man.” was the recognition of the sickness that had overtaken our potential evolution. He attacked the corrupted content, and retained the magick. And now, when communication devolves into the crudeness of blue-collar mirth, it is Thomas’ mantra that reminds us that we are Poets, and we must strive to find the phrase that actually will topple Zeus, and all other Tyrants (heh, heh..), because the trees are invisible under Dominion, man.

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